Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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