Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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