he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
