WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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