seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
