i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
