fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize