he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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