Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
