you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
