I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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