Three words: puerto rican gang bang
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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