dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
