chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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