So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
