Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just pee around me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
