Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
