nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
