he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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