The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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