She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
