i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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