Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
