He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
