I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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