Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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