It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
