If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
