Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
