i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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