I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
the gays at disneyland are vicious
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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