I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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