Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
