You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
