Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
