Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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