In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
