i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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