I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
