I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
