He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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