I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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