I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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