Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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