All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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