peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
