I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
They took my balls.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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