Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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