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I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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