Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
