I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
