Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
