gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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