She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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