You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
