we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
