I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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