Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
