the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
