I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize