I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize