I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
