My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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