I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
