would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
