I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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