How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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