i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
