ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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