I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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