The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Randomize
