ya dads aren't the best wingmen
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
